Roy Mustang's Emotional Phase
by Tsuki no kimi
Summary: Roy Mustang gets drunk. Hilarity Ensues. One-shot.


Riza thought, "_fufufufufu. _The shrimp is out again."

Riza often referred to Edward Elric – the Fullmetal Alchemist – as 'the shrimp' in her head because she was too lazy to remember his actual name. Or maybe it was just easier to call him _shrimp _instead of "fullmetalalchemist", which was kind of a mouthful.

Riza shook her head, jerking herself out of thought. _Back to the task at hand, Hawkeye. You're on a MISSION. _

Oh, yes. Riza was on a mission... to the Lazy Arrogant Pig's office. And if you haven't guessed by now, the victim that had earned the lucky nickname was Roy Mustang.

Riza threw the door open, where Roy was swallowing his fifth martini with a mournful air.

"Colonel." _Or should I say, Arrogant Pig. _"Edward's out again?"

"whaaaaaat?" he stared at her blankly.

Riza sighed loudly in frustration. "you don't even KNOW if Edward's even LEFT the freaking building, have you? you need to stop this. This is NOT the way to solve your problems!"

"what... no!" he said, waving one of his pyrotex fire-retard gloves or whatever technology shit Mustang wore on his hands. "I-I swear to drunk I'm not God."

Riza marched over to the desk and waved a pistol threateningly. "Wake UP. NOW. If you won't get up and start fulfilling your duty as Colonel, then I WILL. GOT IT?"

Roy leaned sleepily on Riza as he stumbled out of his chair. "I need to get a promotion. You know that, right?" he said, starting to blather. He reached for the bottle of vodka lying on the desk but she slapped his hand. "get OFF me, you old drunk." Riza snapped at him.

"I'm not old! I'm... I'm ninety-two... NO! I'm twenty-nine! That's what I meant to say...! anyway," he said, starting to zigzag along the hallway with Riza hurrying in his wake, "I need that promotion. I must be Führer, be-cuz ya know what'll happen theeeeeenn?" he smiled happily. Perv. "then I can finally fulfill my dream of getting all females in the military to wear miniskirts!" he stumbled and Riza caught his arm. "stupid! No one's going to promote you with a dirty mind like that," she said flatly.

"miniskirts, miniskirts, la-la-la!" Mustang sang under his breath, and Riza slapped him. It was really satisfying to slap the arrogant pig, especially since he hopefully wouldn't remember it in the morning. Besides, it was revenge for him going on vacation to Disneyland with Hughes and leaving her to deal with Armstrong's steroid addiction.

Speaking of Hughes... there was the creep, skipping down the hall.

"Colonel! Hawkeye!" he said happily. "my daughter is nearly three! Here's a picture!"

"I would rather shove a hot poker down my throat," said Riza, casually taking the pistol out of her holster again. "I need assistance, Hughes. Mustang's drunk again."

"why?" Hughes asked, staring with an air of bemusement at Roy's flushed face.

"Something about how he hasn't got a promotion yet. And how Elric's walked out from right under his nose." _Petty crap, in other words. _

"what?" Roy giggled. "Ed's under my nose? Hee hee hee!"

"if I was sick and twisted, I would seriously film this," grumbled Riza. Then she stopped dead. "WAIT A MINUTE! I _AM _SICK AND TWISTED! Fetch me my video camera, Hughes!"

Edward was drowning his sorrows at not finding the Philosopher's Stone in a good YouTube-browsing session when he saw it. It couldn't be. How the hell would a video entitled, "Mustang Gets Drunk" be a featured video? And besides, Roy Mustang didn't get drunk. It might not even _their _Mustang. It could be some Mustang from another continent. Even so...

"AL!" Edward cried, and quickly caught the raised eyebrow's of the Colonel.

"Do not yell in my office, Edward," Roy said apathetically. "Have you ever heard of noise pollution? Or is wasting military funds on wild goose chases all you _ever _do?"

"Ehheh."

"what is it, 'nii-san?" enquired Al, coming into the room and narrowly missing the doorframe.

"NOTHING!" Edward said in a high voice, and quickly hurried Al away to the corner with his laptop. "AL! Look!" he exclaimed in a whisper, showing him the featured video. They both clicked on it. In a minute, Roy was rambling on the screen with a sunrise in his hand.

"mmmm-hmmm, Disneyland was fun, although I just told Hawkeye and Elric we were going on business so they wouldn't think we were slacking off. Ya know, Mickey Mouse was really loll...." he fell over and Ed and Al did all they could so that they wouldn't burst out laughing.

"Riiiii-chaaaaannn..." Riza, who was in the background of the video doing paperwork, barely looked up. "why do you think we were descended from apes?"

"I don't know, but you could be the missing link," she growled.

"you're really kawaii today, Ri-chaaaan... lalalalala..."

There was silence for a minute, and suddenly Riza was on her feet with a bazooka.

"WOMANIZING JERK!" she yelled at Mustang. "THAT'S PERVERTED, YOU SICKO!"

"soooo...." a voice suddenly interrupted the video, and a terrified Edward and Alphonse turned to see the real Roy Mustang towering above them. "Hawkeye was filming that, eh?"

"C-Colonel..." said Edward weakly, as dark aura starting leaking out.

"ggrrrrrrrr..." he mumbled to himself. "I need something sharp. Or blunt. Blunt is good, too."

Five minutes later, the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother were chasing after the Flame Alchemist, who was running after a grinning Hawkeye.

"one million views!" she yelled back at him gleefully. "you're a YouTube star, Colonel!"

"SHUT UUUP!" he roared back. "that was a very emotional time! In fact, I don't even remember half of it!"

"thank god you didn't," mumbled Hawkeye.

* * *

Meh... this was really short... ohwell. Anyway, I started watching FMA and the more i watched it, the more I realized how ultimately cool Mustang and Hawkeye were. Yaaay. And I also saw this avatar on Photobucket that was of Roy all sleepy-looking with the caption, 'I swear to drunk I'm not God', so hence I get the idea for this. Hilarity ensues. xD

It's terribly short, though.

Please tell me what you think about it, I know Riza was a little OOC.


End file.
